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Disclaimer: This is purely the view of the author. Both Coin neither agrees to nor share the views of the author.
Over the past few decades we've been witnesses to many stories in the media of sexual child abuse or accusations of sexual abuse, real or falsified, from Michael Jackson to the Papacy, from Mega Church Pastors to local Teachers. There is no question that there are many figures of authority who have and who continue to sexually take advantage of children I am a survivor such abuse.
However, due to the heightened sensitivity of the public psyche due to these events, anyone reading the headlines in recent years has come away with an unsettling message: Sexual predators seem to lurk everywhere.
I'd say that this suspicion affects and criminalizes innocent and affectionate interactions between adults and children, especially among families.
I've listed a few things that were once considered innocent and have now become reasons for concern.
1. Children bathed and showered with Parents & Grandparents
I remember hopping in the shower or tub until at least 5yrs old or so. We'd often be in a rush to get out of the house or the water pressure was low and it took too long to wait for the old water heaters to heat up for a second bath. Often it was just more convenient to knock out two birds with one stone. This was common until my parents deemed it age and gender inappropriate. "He's getting too big to be bathing or showering with his mommy."
2. Children slept and cuddled with adult family members
I have slept with my parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, napped with them, fully clothed or in PJs; afraid of the dark, lighting, having nightmares, watching TV, etc. They hugged me, laid an arm across me, and were affectionate. This would now be called inappropriate behavior.
My teenage nieces and nephews are super affectionate and love to crawl up under you and crash just like they did as babes. They love being hugged and comforted by us but to the outside world this could be viewed as weird and even wrong. Are we to deny them of that affection because of someone else's depraved thought?
3. We took nude baby pictures
I have a plethora of baby pics with my underside showing or pictures in the tub playing with ducks and toys. They were considered cute, not child pornography. These would now be seized as Child Porn and my folks, thrown in jail. I can't even share these photos on Twitter, Instagram, or Throwback Thursdays without them being flagged and investigated (just baby pictures of me!)
4. We were held, hugged, and played with by adults
The adults in my life picked me up, sat me on their laps, carried me on their backs, tickled me, hugged me tightly, wrestled me, chased me, both family and friends. You are now to keep a careful distance from the children in your life. It's expected. We have unspoken rules when it comes to children.
Few Sec Pick Up Rule - You can only pick them up for less than 30 secs before you know to put the child back down. Don't hold them too long if you aren't the parent.
Tempt Your Attention Rule - Don't give too much of your attention to the child and limit the amount of play especially if you aren't related.
5. Teachers hugged, touched, gave reassuring pats, even kissed on the head, cheek or a scraped knee.
My teachers comforted me, reassured me, weren't afraid of showing affection (or discipline). When I was an Art Teacher for Elementary & Middle Schools we were trained to not touch the students, even if I needed to touch a hand to help guide it. We had to ask the child's permission and be sure it was witnessed and agreed. "OK, now Sally I need to touch your hand to guide you through this shape. Do you mind?"
Little kids also like to run up and hug you if they like you. I have been in a class when a parent and a student entered and the child runs up to me ecstatically and wraps their arms around my legs. Awkward! You have to reject their affection to prevent accusation. It was very uncomfortable, like teaching on pins and needles.
Teenagers like to feel chummy with the cool teachers. On many occasions I've had middle school students lean on me, put their arm on my shoulder or around my neck as a friendly gesture. I had to redirect their affections and set very strict boundaries or else risk an accusation. It was a very uncomfortable environment. I too remember doing the same thing to many of my favorite teachers.
6. Nudity was not a concern between parent and child (until a certain age)
I've seen my parents nude and walk around in their undergarments. They have changed clothes in front of me and they've clearly seen me nude as a boy. My parents didn't objectify nudity. Neither were they Nudist, but there was a healthy balance and acceptance of the body. I've read of parents being suspected of sexual abuse because it was reported that they have been nude around their kids.
7. Teaching your children about sex and courting
My family has always been open about sex. They talk freely about it and as we were coming into puberty, they talked to us about our bodies and our curiosities; from girl's menstruation, to wet dreams, intercourse, kissing, pregnancy, STD's. etc. I was never shielded from the realities of sex. However, watching it in movies or TV was forbidden until I was a teenager. Nonetheless, if a child reports that their parents talked to them about sex, they would be removed from the home.
All of these things were perfectly alright when I was growing up and were not not made into a sexual issue or viewed as abnormal or aberrant. Yes, sexual predators existed and still exist but most people are not child molesters.
I am a survivor of sexual child abuse but none of it happened under any of the above circumstances nor by anyone in which I shared those intimate moments. My abuse was completely unrelated to the love and affection I received from all of the other adults in my life. That clearly is not the case for everyone.
There is a proper context and healthy boundaries to all of these cases but to what extent are we demonizing and criminalizing human affection and their expressions of bonding? When is enough fear too much? Are we depriving a generation of affection and contributing to their inability to be empathetic and connect with other people? Can anyone come up with a guideline which distinguishes cuddling between molesting because I am befuddled as heck!
Also read:
Over the past few decades we've been witnesses to many stories in the media of sexual child abuse or accusations of sexual abuse, real or falsified, from Michael Jackson to the Papacy, from Mega Church Pastors to local Teachers. There is no question that there are many figures of authority who have and who continue to sexually take advantage of children I am a survivor such abuse.
However, due to the heightened sensitivity of the public psyche due to these events, anyone reading the headlines in recent years has come away with an unsettling message: Sexual predators seem to lurk everywhere.
I'd say that this suspicion affects and criminalizes innocent and affectionate interactions between adults and children, especially among families.
I've listed a few things that were once considered innocent and have now become reasons for concern.
1. Children bathed and showered with Parents & Grandparents
I remember hopping in the shower or tub until at least 5yrs old or so. We'd often be in a rush to get out of the house or the water pressure was low and it took too long to wait for the old water heaters to heat up for a second bath. Often it was just more convenient to knock out two birds with one stone. This was common until my parents deemed it age and gender inappropriate. "He's getting too big to be bathing or showering with his mommy."
2. Children slept and cuddled with adult family members
I have slept with my parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, napped with them, fully clothed or in PJs; afraid of the dark, lighting, having nightmares, watching TV, etc. They hugged me, laid an arm across me, and were affectionate. This would now be called inappropriate behavior.
My teenage nieces and nephews are super affectionate and love to crawl up under you and crash just like they did as babes. They love being hugged and comforted by us but to the outside world this could be viewed as weird and even wrong. Are we to deny them of that affection because of someone else's depraved thought?
3. We took nude baby pictures
I have a plethora of baby pics with my underside showing or pictures in the tub playing with ducks and toys. They were considered cute, not child pornography. These would now be seized as Child Porn and my folks, thrown in jail. I can't even share these photos on Twitter, Instagram, or Throwback Thursdays without them being flagged and investigated (just baby pictures of me!)
4. We were held, hugged, and played with by adults
The adults in my life picked me up, sat me on their laps, carried me on their backs, tickled me, hugged me tightly, wrestled me, chased me, both family and friends. You are now to keep a careful distance from the children in your life. It's expected. We have unspoken rules when it comes to children.
Few Sec Pick Up Rule - You can only pick them up for less than 30 secs before you know to put the child back down. Don't hold them too long if you aren't the parent.
Tempt Your Attention Rule - Don't give too much of your attention to the child and limit the amount of play especially if you aren't related.
5. Teachers hugged, touched, gave reassuring pats, even kissed on the head, cheek or a scraped knee.
My teachers comforted me, reassured me, weren't afraid of showing affection (or discipline). When I was an Art Teacher for Elementary & Middle Schools we were trained to not touch the students, even if I needed to touch a hand to help guide it. We had to ask the child's permission and be sure it was witnessed and agreed. "OK, now Sally I need to touch your hand to guide you through this shape. Do you mind?"
Little kids also like to run up and hug you if they like you. I have been in a class when a parent and a student entered and the child runs up to me ecstatically and wraps their arms around my legs. Awkward! You have to reject their affection to prevent accusation. It was very uncomfortable, like teaching on pins and needles.
Teenagers like to feel chummy with the cool teachers. On many occasions I've had middle school students lean on me, put their arm on my shoulder or around my neck as a friendly gesture. I had to redirect their affections and set very strict boundaries or else risk an accusation. It was a very uncomfortable environment. I too remember doing the same thing to many of my favorite teachers.
6. Nudity was not a concern between parent and child (until a certain age)
I've seen my parents nude and walk around in their undergarments. They have changed clothes in front of me and they've clearly seen me nude as a boy. My parents didn't objectify nudity. Neither were they Nudist, but there was a healthy balance and acceptance of the body. I've read of parents being suspected of sexual abuse because it was reported that they have been nude around their kids.
7. Teaching your children about sex and courting
My family has always been open about sex. They talk freely about it and as we were coming into puberty, they talked to us about our bodies and our curiosities; from girl's menstruation, to wet dreams, intercourse, kissing, pregnancy, STD's. etc. I was never shielded from the realities of sex. However, watching it in movies or TV was forbidden until I was a teenager. Nonetheless, if a child reports that their parents talked to them about sex, they would be removed from the home.
All of these things were perfectly alright when I was growing up and were not not made into a sexual issue or viewed as abnormal or aberrant. Yes, sexual predators existed and still exist but most people are not child molesters.
I am a survivor of sexual child abuse but none of it happened under any of the above circumstances nor by anyone in which I shared those intimate moments. My abuse was completely unrelated to the love and affection I received from all of the other adults in my life. That clearly is not the case for everyone.
There is a proper context and healthy boundaries to all of these cases but to what extent are we demonizing and criminalizing human affection and their expressions of bonding? When is enough fear too much? Are we depriving a generation of affection and contributing to their inability to be empathetic and connect with other people? Can anyone come up with a guideline which distinguishes cuddling between molesting because I am befuddled as heck!
Also read:
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