.jpg)
“When are you going to start saving? Don’t forget there’s a girl growing up in the house..”, countless wives have been reminding their husbands in Indian households and sometimes on TV screens. Parents in India put too much emphasis on marriage. And if you’re a girl, this gets doubled. The moment the doctor announces the gender, the planning starts, the saving starts. And more importantly, the worrying starts, even before the girl is out from her mother's womb.
It is because of the pervasive dowry system that devours most families by attaching itself to destructive notions of what constitutes status, honor and respect, this directly affects the family’s management of financial resources and how girls are brought up. Unlike sons, which are perceived as assets because they bring in dowry, carry the family name and set fire on his parents' pyres when they die, daughters are considered as liabilities - parents have to spend money marrying daughters off in the name of dowry and wedding expenses and parents fret and dread if they have daughters. This is the leading cause for female infanticide and foeticide in India.
An unmarried daughter becomes a burden that needs to be removed as soon as which in turn subjects her to differential treatment. Giving your daughter’s marriage utmost importance means everything you do for her is ultimately influenced by this concern. You either don’t educate her beyond a basic level because you don’t have enough money to spend on both (and clearly you’ve decided marriage is to be given the bigger priority), or you educate her (often according to your own wishes rather than hers) with the prospect of fetching a well qualified groom so that she can be ‘sent off’ to a ‘respectable’ home.
Placing emphasis on marriage means raising girls in a manner primarily aimed at moulding them into a societal expectation of what an ideal bride or wife should be like, instead of fostering and encouraging individual characteristics.
And, in a patriarchal society, these demands are never free of misogyny. The perfect wife looks like Aishwarya Rai, talks like Mother Teresa and is willing to be submissive like Sita. She is unambitious, unassertive, unaware or not demanding of her rights, and has been blessed with extra invisible hands to successfully manage all household work and (increasingly) also a job without the slightest complaints. Girls then are taught from a young age to value their looks more than their talents and skills, to place their career aspirations or financial independence secondary to the need for being married at the ‘right’ time and having kids, and to perpetuate this vicious cycle through their own daughters, all the while carrying a burden of living up to the good girl myth so as to not ‘invite’ rape, lest they become used goods. Because rape is something that is given to us when we “ask for it”, and the unit of measurement of a woman’s worth is virginity. Right?
Imposing one’s dreams on another human being and wanting them to strictly fulfill them for you is a pretty selfish expectation and even a messed up form of ‘love’ (which is how people usually like to rationalize it, imposition is love, imposition means we are doing the best for you). I say, who are you to decide what's best for me? This scenario stems from the perception that holds children as properties of parents. A woman’s identity lies only in relation to a man - she is only complete if she is a Mrs Patel or Mrs Chopra by the time she hits 25 years of age. If a woman is 25 and unmarried, relatives and neighbours would start gossiping and spread grapevine, pressuring the parents even more to marry off the girl ASAP, before she is deemed left on the shelf.
It’s somewhat similar to indoctrinating kids into the parents’ religion at an impressionable age and closing the doors of curiosity, only even more violating. While one may be able to completely break free from religious beliefs at least on a mental level, the social costs of leaving an unsuccessful marriage in a patriarchal culture are many, especially if you’re a woman. Being a father-in-law or a grandmother is a privilege, not a right. But having the freedom to decide whether we want to give our parents that privilege is a right no one should be denied, because the decisions involved would first and foremost affect ourselves.
Instead of saving up money for your daughter's marriage, save up for her education. By giving your daughter a solid education, you give her means to sustain herself and she will sustain you and her siblings as well. Your daughter is not a liability - she is a person on capacity and capability far from what you could ever imagine. Raise your sons and daughters as equals - tell them gender is not a stumbleblock to reach great heights and take you with them.
Trust me when I say that marriage is not the ultimate purpose of a female life. I’ll say that again, it really isn’t. It’s only a part of her life, and a choice some women wish to make while some women don’t. The important thing is they should have the liberty to do so without being coerced or emotionally blackmailed. This has absolutely nothing to do with their ‘worth’ as a person. Meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life can be found in a billion ways and if your daughter wants to include marriage at some point in that list, fine. If not, that should be fine as well. Give her education, good morals, encourage her to pursue her passions, let her celebrate her sexuality and uniqueness. The rest should be up to her. After all, if it is your daughter’s welfare that you wish for, then start by placing the control of her future in her own hands.
Daughters are a blessing, not a curse. Daughters are more sensitive to their parents needs and more likely to care for their aged parents than sons.
Related articles:
- Why are you staring at her thighs? Doesn't your mother have thighs?
- Virginity - A question of girls' morality
- Neo Indian women and marriage
- I'm a dark skinned Indian girl. Problem?
- Rape: She asked for it! Oh, really??
- Indian women disobedience: So, it's right to kill them?
- Indian logic - Oh, she wears miniskirts? She must be a slut!
- How Hindu mythology contribute to rape in India
- India's age old fetish with fair skin
- How Indian culture must evolve
- The Indian culture of marrying cousins and mom's younger brothers
- Hey Indian woman, do as you are told!
Don't forget to share with your friends and colleagues
You can leave your comments below, in the Comment Section. We like to have a healthy debate here. Please avoid profanity, personal attacks and rouse racial and religious sensitivity. The views of the commentators are not shared by Both Coin. The bottomline is, comment sensibly with relevance to the article.
.jpg)
