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It can be difficult to understand a person we are in relationship with especially when sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves. Why do we feel good about ourselves one moment and bad another? Why does a person change their attitude towards us from one day to the next?
Each human is a complex creature whose behavior is driven by emotion, beliefs, point of view, and how much coffee they had that morning. Combine that with another person who is driven by different emotions, beliefs, point of view, and how much they drank last night and we have an opportunity for emotional drama and chaos. Some call it a roller coaster of emotion while others are calling for relationship help.
Many of us learned to believe early in life that other people determine our happiness. We might learn to live by this belief before we learn to talk or walk. This is the first false belief we create about our relationships. We can find a clue to this in our subconscious behind comments we make such as "he/she makes me so happy." The truth is that you make yourself happy. You probably just don't know how anymore.No one can make you feel a certain emotion at any given moment. In just the same way, you can’t control the emotions another person feels. Taking responsibility for your emotions, and more importantly, not taking responsibility for anybody else’s is a big step in ending unhappy relationship dynamics.
Whether you are the abuser or the emotionally abused that wants to break the cycle, begin by taking responsibility for your emotions, and don’t take responsibility for anybody else’s emotions. But there is another possible cause for our emotion consider this a other point of view. For this I’ll use the characters of Jack and Jill to illustrate a story:
Jack and Jill are a couple. Jack gets caught up in a crisis at work and doesn’t call Jill when he said he would. Jill feels left out, rejected, and gets mad at Jack for leaving her alone. She doesn’t like being alone and holds Jack responsible for her unhappy situation. Her internal or external dialogue might be something like, “He really makes me mad when he does that.”What is critical to note here is that the emotion of anger and unhappiness is Jill’s.
The second thing to notice is that she holds Jack to be the cause responsible for her emotions. In Jill’s mind, she feels abused and it appears that Jack is mistreating her emotionally. This kind of mindset sets Jill up to do a 180 degree flip and be the controlling and abusive person in the relationship. She judges, blames, and condemns Jack. Her anger at Jack is completely justified from this victim point of view.
On the flip side Jack might very well fall into the same paradigm. If it is Jack’s belief that he is the cause of someone else’s emotional reaction then he sets himself up to be controlled in the relationship. This may sound backwards. How could Jack be the one being controlled if he is the one powerful enough to cause another’s emotional reactions?
Jill is angry at Jack for not calling or doing something she perceives as embarrassing. If Jack believes he is really the cause of Jill’s pain, then, he will likely feel guilty for hurting Jill. Jack will not want Jill to have another painful emotional reaction and he won’t want to feel the guilt of causing her pain so he will look for a solution. Jack will begin to modify his behavior to avoid Jill’s emotional reactions. No doubt Jill will have input into what Jack should and shouldn’t be doing to keep her happy.
Jill will tell Jack to call when he says he is going to call. Jill will tell him not to do those embarrassing things. Jill will suggest, ask, or even demand that Jack change his behavior in order for her to avoid her own painful emotional wounds.
On the surface it looks like Jack has all the power over Jill’s emotions - that is why Jack feels responsible and will try hard to do things right. Of course “right” is according to Jill’s expectations and requirements. Jill plays the powerless victim that doesn’t have control over her emotions, and by doing so she can guilt Jack into modifying his behavior.
Jill might also act with anger towards Jack when she is upset. The anger might also include criticism, judgments, and put downs for his actions, behaviors or looks. If Jill is disappointed with Jack in some way, Jack may feel he should act or perform differently so Jill isn’t disappointed. Again the illusion Jack lives under is that he is determining Jill’s emotions. Every emotional reaction that Jill has sends Jack into deeper guilt, self blame, self rejection, unworthiness and insecurity. Jill uses the emotions of gratitude, acceptance, and love to reward Jack when he does something she likes, and to become upset, angry or depressed and sad when he does something she doesn’t’ like.
Her emotions are either a pleasant reward or an unpleasant punishment to Jacks emotional body and self esteem. In this way Jill uses the power of her emotional reactions to encourage or discourage Jack’s behaviors.
At one level it looks like Jill is in reaction to Jack’s action. But if you look at Jack’s reaction to Jill’s emotion, you will see her emotions as a means of control that Jack reacts toJack believes he is the one responsible for both of their emotions so he feels somewhat powerful in this regard. This illusion of power can be somewhat seductive. But this isn’t true. It is just the illusion of power. Jack isn’t responsible for Jill’s emotions and he can’t control her reactions. Jill can’t even control her own emotions. She is just reacting to the interpretations and core beliefs in her own mind because Jack is under the illusion that he is the powerful one in this relationship he doesn’t notice that his behavior is being controlled and dictated by Jill. He doesn’t see how he is modifying his behavior to every emotional reaction Jill has, or emotion he predicts she will have. But no matter what Jack does, he can’t seem to get it right because Jill still has emotional reactions to the interpretations and "core beliefs in her mind" which, in her mind again that he will never be able to fulfill all her wants.
Expectations lead to disappointments and it's true for every relationship. That is not to say one shouldn't have expectations in a relationship. The key is, instead of only expecting the one you are in a relationship to behave, do, not behave and not do in certain occasions, give him or her their own personal space - a bubble or a cocoon of their own where nobody, including you should not invade. They can choose to do whatever they want in that personal space except cheating on you of course!
That personal space translates as allowing your guy go to a restaurant to watch Liverpool vs Arsenal with his buddies and later have a beer to celebrate Liverpool's victory last night. For her, letting her go shopping with her girlfriends and going to beauty parlours and spas. While they are out making the most of their personal space, you can welcome them back into your arms by cooking them their favorite dish or do a striptease or whatever that would pleasantly surprise them. The tacit message conveyed here is, "You are totally worth to have." Giving your loved one his or her personal space means you trust them. And, that means a lot.
Stepping on your guy or girl's throat and telling them that it is your way or no way is only going to draw them away from you. And, emotional blackmail is the worst - it only keeps one party happy, the other would feel suffocated - a relationship can only stand if it is rewarding for both parties involved. If one person is pleased and the other is bemused, that relationship is nearing demise.
Being clingy is also off putting and there is a difference between being clingy and being affectionate - being clingy means literally breathing under the neck of your guy or girl perpetually - being affectionate means being loving whenever appropriate.
There is no foolproof formula on how to make a love relationship work but all love will be lost at marriage - then, it is time to find all the lost love again and live for each other in matrimonial knot!
Also read:Guys, here's how to deal with girls
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