INSIDE THE MIND OF A RAPIST

And not in the way you are probably thinking. I will day dream while sitting at a restaurant that one of them will walk in....I think about the sort of pain I would inflict upon them. How I would use my fork to stab the back of his hand.....and while he screamed in agony, literally cutting his tongue out of his mouth....while asking him to tell me how much he likes it. I know these thoughts are not healthy. However, I feel like they keep me sane. The fact that they walk this earth experiencing any sort of happiness is almost death to my soul, if I linger on it too long.Do I think these things often? No, not like I used to....but it bothers me to think that a hatred so great resides in me to even consider the things I have.

I have morbid fantasies and voices in my mind tell me me to do bad things. My conscience knows that the suggestions are bad and a battle between the voices in my head and my conscience would ensue. Sometimes the conscience triumphs, some times, the voices. At one time, when the latter won when I was 11, I strangled a kitten. I derived a morbid happiness when I saw the life slipping away from the kitten's cobalt eyes and its tongue lolling out, and the fact that I was in charge for the life of the kitten. Then it defecated and I let it go. ALIVE.

Often times, I hated myself for thinking such things. Why in the world would I think to harm the cherubic, angelic kid or that adorable puppy who never did anything bad to me? I couldn't understand and it turned into fear - the fear that I would harm my loved ones like I did the kitten. So, I never married and I keep the distance from my family. I avoid children and animals like the plague. I also avoid women because I have fantasies on how to rape and the voices are the bane of my life.

School was hard for me; my social skills suck but I was an above average student. Strangely, the voices never interrupted me when I was studying, doing sports and at exam time. They also leave me alone when I work. The voices seem to have a mind of their own.

And, then, when I began to fantasize on raping and killing my female colleagues, I decided to seek help before I succumb to the fantasy and harm any of them.

I have been to over a decade of counseling. My condition is termed, 'chronic traumatic bipolar. I take drugs to think for myself; otherwise, the voices do the thinking for me. In order to be normal, I have to be drugged. I HATE violence. I hate it when people get hurt. I am the first to attempt to break up any fight. Yet, here I sit...allowing myself to rape and murder women in my mind.

I consciously hide this 'other side' of mine. I try to fit into civil society, to do civil stuff. I go extra lengths to show others that I'm 'normal.' But, I am not normal; I'm faking it. I'm faking my life. My life is a whole big lie.

Am I crazy? Most probably. Am I alone? I doubt other men or women who have suffered don't do the same.

Why am I sharing this? I am doing it for YOU.....that person out there that feels alone and questions themselves for having black thoughts about others. We are torn; the devil in us have the upper hand but since the devil is inherent, we are to blame for the rapes we commit.

I think rapists and molesters are sick but there is always two sides to a story. This is mine and you are free to judge.

Also read:

• Rape and victims of sexual assaults, chin up
• How my dad helped me overcome rape

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