AN INDIAN PERSPECTIVE OF VALENTINE'S DAY: THEN AND NOW

Our grandparents and parents never celebrated Valentine's Day and they had and have lasting marriages.

Current couples celebrate Valentine's Day and then divorce or break up.

Ironical isn't it? But, it is far from the truth. 

In our grandparents and parents' days, women as in wives were the glue of their marriages. Even if they get trashed, and verbally abused, they endure it all and stay in the wedlock. It was a norm in the olden days for married men to have mistresses and cheat on their wives openly yet their wives remain quiet and loyal to the men they married no matter how abusive and promiscuous they were. My grandmother, who suffers from dementia would keep asking my uncles and aunt who are taking care of her, where is her dead husband (my grandfather died when I was 11) and they would tell her he went to work. If we tell her that he is no more, she will cry, hence this white lie. Sometimes, she won't believe us when we say he went to work - she'd say,"I know, he went to his mistress' place. You all are lying to me. I know.." And, then she'd cry..

Why Indian women those days bear up with all the mistreatment? It is to preserve honor - a woman who dares to leave her husband because he is errant is considered an abominable aberrant. The Indian society especially women themselves never blame the man for his wayward ways. The buck is always passed to the woman; she will be tormented with remarks from fellow women that she is unable to 'keep' her husband no wonder he is seeking illicit sex, that she failed to find her way to her husband's heart through his tummy, she is untrained by her mother on how to be 'a good wife'.

The definition of a good wife those days is, receive all the abuses from your husband daily but still submissively serve him food during meal times, take care of all his children and serve yourself to him by night. 

Economically, women those days were totally dependent on their husbands. Some women work with their husbands, tapping rubber trees and cultivate crops and may have a degree of financial independence but still, honor takes eminence - women were always expected to wait their husbands' hand and foot. Women those days were the binding agent that kept families intact and relationships unbreakable. 

Polygamy was a norm in those days - men having two or more wives. Sometimes both wives live in the same house and their mutual husband take turns, if you know what I mean. There were many pretexts put forth for men to take in multiple wives, the want for a son or an affair that got an unmarried woman pregnant. Some, just to prove manliness - wives were medals, not individuals with feelings and wants. Somehow, marriages were made to last those days; tolerance levels were sky high. 

Of course, this provided for a more stable family environment but not necessarily a happy and healthy one. Women had lasting marriages and dozens of children (My grandparents had 13 children) but the quality of life they had is totally unacceptable by today's standards. Relationships those days existed for society, not for the two people in love and if you ask them what's Valentine's Day, they will ask you whether it is edible. 

Fast forward to the present. Women are getting more educated, economically independent and empowered. And, the glue that holds a marriage or a love relationship has become gender blind. 

Gender equality has become the order of the day. Women have become demanding and if a marriage or a relationship is to work out, both man and woman in the bound have to work for it. If the wife is cooking, the husband cleans the house. Both man and wife have careers so the expectation that only the wife should do all the household chores is no longer applicable.

Hit your wife, verbally abuse her or cheat on her and see yourself headed to the court of law for divorce or a lawsuit. Women those days did not have a choice; they had to be with their husband no matter how abusive or criminal they were. Women of today have the power to choose - they can choose to ditch an abusive/suspicious/cheating boyfriend or husband and sustain themselves and their children if they have any and remarry. In those days this was impossible and considered disgraceful.

Women in this era has become choosy when cherry picking a husband. She selects carefully - experiments in the dating scene, peruses on the qualification and characters of potential suitors and even hire a private investigator to   sleuth what her fiancee determined by her parents does behind her back.

Nowadays, couples focus on love and the dating scene is based on that. I have friends who date and then dump their boyfriends for not getting them a present for Valentine's Day. Some girls date just to get pampered and showered by gifts; love's meaning is gravely distorted here. It has come to the point where materialism is what only matters. Valentine's Day has been insanely commercialized and we are all lapping it up in the name of love. Makes me wonder what kind of love it is - love with a price tag. 

While Valentine's Day don't break marriages and is not the cause for divorce, it either spices or sours a marriage. People these days tend to equate love to money, presents and pleasant surprises. And, instead of investing in the lifelong institution of marriage, we tend to invest in our wedding - the grander, the better. And, after the lavish wedding, the marriage gets divested as petty issues assume epic proportions.

I am not saying that women today should toe the line of their grandmothers to keep their marriage alive. There is no point in keeping a relationship alive when it sucks away your life and happiness. If you don't get along with your husband get a divorce on mutual consent and live your life the way you want. Love works in mysterious ways they say but I say practicality and individuality freedom is the way to go.

Our mothers are still aghast at the mention of divorce; often telling their daughters to let live instead of live, telling that as females, we should make sacrifices and learn the tricks to 'keep' our husbands, arranged marriage or love marriage. 'Kal aanalum kanavan, pul aanalum purushan,' which means even if he is a rock, he is still your husband, even if he is grass, he is still your better half. One can gauge how much an Indian woman is expected to idolize her husband and there are many women today are suffering in silence, including men.

With all said and done, Valentine's Day can be used as an opportunity to mend or make a relationship. A day to show how much you treasure your significant other.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Don't forget to share with your friends and colleagues

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